If Hogwarts had Social Media
by Noximus
Summary: If Hogwarts had Social Media and other short (probably, but not exclusively one-shots) stories.
1. Chapter 1: If Hogwarts had Social Media

**If Hogwarts had Social Media**

"Hey," Sue turned to Mandy, "Look at what Lavander posted on Wizbook!"

"A _basilisk?!_ She can't be serious!" Mandy shouted angrily, "If this is some kind of a joke.."

"No, it's not," Anthony entered the room, "Weasley posted a selfie with it."

Sue rolled her eyes, "He's such a show off."

* * *

[Yo Padfoot, had a bad dream 'bout u, reply asap if ur ok

xoxo Harry **]** \- Harry wrote hastily. _"Gosh, I hope he's okay."_

* * *

*Ring, ring*

"What is it now, Neville?!" Harry barked at the phone, "I'm a bit busy right now!"

" _Harry, you gotta hide!_ " Neville squeaked from the other side, " _McGonagall's coming with Malfoy to catch you!_ "

*Fifteen minutes later*

"Well, Mr. Malfoy? Where are Potter and his friends?" McGonagall's cold voice broke the silence.

"I.. I.. They were supposed to carry a dragon to the Astronomy tower, professor! I swear!" Malfoy muttered weakly.

"That will be one hundred house points less for Slytherin, Mr. Malofy."

*Gulp*

* * *

Hermione looked sceptically at the phone, "You sure this will work, Harry?"

"Positive."

"BABY BABY BABY OOOH!"

A loud scream came from the field where the Death Eaters were standing, with unprotected ears.

In a matter of seconds, the only enemy left alive was Lord Voldemort himself, who was lying on the ground in pain. But even his last horcrux, Nagini, eventually fell under the power of Justin Bieber's "greatest hit".

Not even a moment after that, Tom Riddle was no more, died by drowning in a pool of his own blood coming out through his ears.

* * *

"Never, ever again doubt in the power of horrible music, 'Mione."

"Heeelloooo Hogwarts! My name is Harry Potter and today I'll be showing you who the **real** thief of the Philosopher's stone is!" Harry shouted at his iPhone 6S front camera while streaming the video to Hogwarts' Great Hall 150" LED Asus monitor with Twitch streaming device. Every student and every professor, except Snape, Quirrel and Dumbledore were watching impatiently and cheering at Harry. Except Slytherins, of course.

"Prepare to get uncovered, Snap- wait.. You!? It ca- can't be you!"

* * *

 **To be continued.**


	2. Chapter 2: Life in Exile

**Life in Exile**

 _"War is the greatest plague that can affect humanity; it destroys religion, it destroys states, it destroys families. Any scourge is preferable to it."_

 _\- Martin Luther_

It's been a few weeks, perhaps a month. Still, I have a feeling like there's something missing. With Voldemort gone, I thought I'd be free to enjoy the world, for the first time in my life. Without any burdens. Without liabilities, life-ruining prophecies and manipulations.

The more time passes, the more I come to realize what injustice was done upon me, my friends, family. That old goat's been sitting in his office, eating lemon drops and plotting my whole future, while I was out there, with Ron and Hermione, fighting for our lives. For the magical world. Now I truly understand that some things **never** change.

One of those things would, most certainly, be the Wizengamot. Someone, who is new to our community, would have thought that they'd be thankful. Heck, I didn't do it for the praise, but this is too much.

Deciding that I am "too much of a threat" for their community?

They have, in fact, given me a "choice".

Either a one-way ticket to Azkaban, or exile to another country, without a chance of ever returning.

I asked for a few days, to plan everything out. I have enough money, now that I own all of the Potter properties and vaults. I've decided to sell all but one, the Potter mansion near Edinburgh.

I've emptied the Potter and Black vaults, in case Dumb-le-dork attempts to steal money from them, since he's been using my trust vault in the past for his "greater good".

It doesn't help that I've broken up with Ginny.

Why, you might ask?

Well.. The bitch was cheating on me.

 _ **Flashback from a few weeks ago..**_

 _"Hey Ginny! I've bought you a present!", Harry exclaimed with joy, but he dropped the golden gift box when he entered the Burrow._

 _Ginny was snogging Dean Thomas on the kitchen table._

 _ **End of flashback..**_

I still haven't recovered from that. The whore tried to explain, to excuse herself, but now I know what she really is - just a slut.

The Ministry added Dean's wounds to the list of accusations against me.

It was a quick trial, really. They even added Voldemort's death to the list!

The only friends that supported me were Ron, George and Arthur Weasley.

Not even Hermione!

She _always_ used to follow the rules blindly, unless they were harmful to her or her friends. What happened to you, 'Mione?


End file.
